BREAKUPS AND EGO: HOW TO REBUILD

June 26, 2013

Emily Ann

[quote align="center" color="#f80658"]It is not the person or thing that you're after, it's the validation and reinforcement of an aspect of your identity[/quote]

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reakups can be difficult--particularly on the ego.  If you find yourself missing someone who was never really good to you to begin with, chances are it's not the person you want or miss.  The depressed feeling you experience is a result of the ego being hurt and not being able to attain something that was perceived to be attainable.

All of us have different aspects of our identity.  Each aspect is created as a result of being good at something that is seen to be a challenge.  For example, a guy who considers himself to be a "ladies man" has an identity that is largely based on his ability to get different women into bed.  Each time he is successful in his attempts, it reinforces his self confidence, ego, and strengthens this aspect of his identity.  When he is not successful, he feels upset, angry, and depressed for failing to live up to the expectations he has created for himself.  These types of men will find it extremely difficult to settle down and be monogamous to one women because of the sheer threat commitment might pose to their identity.

If you are a person who's used to getting what they want in terms of the opposite sex and relationships, not being able to attain something or someone is enough to drive you completely insane and have you acting 50 shades of cray!  But, it is not the person or thing that you're after, it's the validation and reinforcement of that aspect of your identity.

Therefore, following a break up, the best way to overcome feelings of depression, anger, and inadequacy is to seek the validation and reinforcement of some other aspect of your identity.  For example, if you're a talented artist, enter your work into a competition or coordinate a showing of your best pieces.  If you like helping others, volunteer as a mentor at your local Boys and Girls Club, or get involved in non-profit organization. Doing something positive and productive will not only successfully build your self confidence, it will keep your mind busy and prevent you from thinking of your ex and obsessing over all the ways he or she made you feel bad and "less than".